What is love?

'nuf said.

I'm all alone

Mrs. Arkay and The Boy left this morning to go visit The Girl. So, for the next week I'm on my own. What to do? What to do?

One more time

This might be the last chat of this sort that I post. I feel kind of bad doing it. I also realize that doing it doesn't really show me in my best light either. But then there's that comment to the left. You see it. The one that says "People describe me as a real nice guy..." Yeah, that's the one. "Fuck that shit."

So, we'll see.

Remember, first of all, that we talked twice last week. Once on Monday, once on Tuesday. Monday's chat was the first we'd had in several months, and we spent the intire time talking about her. Actually SHE spent the entire time. I basically fed her prompts and plesantries. On Tuesday we talked about her some more.

Now a week later here's what we have, with interspersed commentary.

SHE: good morning
ME: Good morning!
SHE: hope your Monday is off to a good start
ME: so far it's been a good monday--following a great weekend.
The first thing I do is give her a good opening to talk about anything other than her today.
SHE: good to hear
The hook is baited. Does she bite?
ME: any day with an orgasm is a good day
Let's wiggle it a little.
SHE: Ive decided to stay with my sis for a couple of days
SWING! ...And a miss.
ME: have you really? why is that?
SHE: I woke up this morning and decided alone is not where I need to be right now
ME: still in a funk over this, huh?
SHE: not over J but my body took a hell of a beating and Im very weak
SHE: I just was told yesterday that when the paramedics came Tuesday my blood sugar was nearly 5oo
Huh!?
ME: you didn't tell me about the paramedics.
SHE: I took about 300 tylenol pm 500 mgs each on Tuesday about 1 pm, my sis came home and found me about 6 pm
Did I read right? Did she just say she tried to commit suicide?
SHE: I did not become aware of anythin until about 6 pm wednesday
ME: 300 tylenol pm?
SHE: yes
ME: why?
SHE: I just totally broke down
ME: you did it on purpose?
SHE: yes I took the tylenol on purpowse
ME: 300 tablets
SHE: yes
OK, just wanted to get that straight.
SHE: put my blood sugar and liver enzymes right thru the roof
ME: no doubt
Well, some doubt. I have no idea what that much tylenol would do.
ME: how long were you in the hospital?
SHE: 5 days in icu and ccu, got out saturday evening
ME: psychological evaluation?
SHE: yes they did that wed evening
SHE: I was honest and he signed off on me
ME: so you're not going to do it again?
At this point I'm thinking she's a goddamned liar. Or maybe a fucking liar. Or maybe a little of both. Nothing concrete. I just don't get the sense that any of this is legit.
SHE: no I wont ever do that again
SHE: God spared me and so he expects something from me
SHE: normally Im a very strong person and I can take alot
She always comes back to this. "I'm really a strong person."
SHE: the part of life here that Ive never gotten used to is being alone
ME: how do you define alone? you have family there.
SHE: I have no mate or life partner
SHE: this is my first time in life living alone and I dont like it
ME: Maybe THAT's what God expects from you.
SHE: I dont think so
Right. God's will is what SHE says it is.
SHE: but I wont enter into a relationship except for love
Ok, now it's time for me to get serious. This is not chain-yanking. This is serious advice.
ME: Here's my take...
ME: you CANT have a healthy loving relationship with any one else until you have one with yourself.
SHE: I agree
ME: and as long as you continue to tell youreself that you can't be happy on your own, you'll neve rhave that.
SHE: its not that I cant be happy on my own Im just not happy on my own
The first defense to facing reality is to split hairs and deflect the issue.
ME: same thing
SHE: not really
SHE: its not living alone that bothers me so much, Ive come to terms with that long ago
SHE: my ex would love for us to get back together but I wont because I dont love him
ME: let me put it another way... right now you're living the live that God has given you and you're basically spitting on it. You're telling Him it's not enough. You need more.
SHE: I do need more
She's not buying the "you have to love yourself first argument," or two attempts at "God's will." Let's give it one more shot--"You choose your own destiny."
ME: you're telling me that you CAN be happy on your own, but that you're not...
ME: that means you choose not to be.
SHE: everything in life is not black and white, and everything in life is not always about our own choices
Split hairs. Deflect the issue.
SHE: sometimes other stuff gets involved, for instance other peoples choices which we have no control over
ME: you have more control than you think
SHE: control over myself yes
SHE: but then again if I was perfect I wouldnt need a savior
SHE: I always try to make the best out of what I have, be happy with what I have and reach to acomplish more
Oh yes, that's more than obvious in everything she says and does.
ME: control over how you react and respond to those things that you don't have control over
SHE: exactly
SHE: right now Im having a hard time making responsible choices
SHE: I have more than myself to think about, I have responsibilities to others as well
ME: who?
SHE: family
Long pause. I've got no response other than to doubt the voracity of what she says here. I should have just asked what responsibilities.
SHE: do you think I would be living where I am if I on ly thought of myself?
Even longer pause. I'm really trying to think how best to respond to this one.
SHE: no doubt Im more than my share of screwed up b ut I dont allow myself to hurt others because of it
ME: You think what you did the other day didn't hurt any one else?
Blam! Both barrels
SHE: it did yes, but thats over
Ok, let's ignore the glaring disparity between actions and words here by adding the simple word "but."
SHE: have you ever felt totally out of place like there is nowhere on this earth that you belong?
...and play the poor me trump card.
ME: kind of changes what you just said thought, doesn't it?
But I'm not letting her get away with it.
SHE: Im not here to play mind games and I dont want them played on me either
SHE: I dont care to be pissed off today
So, suddenly, I'm the bad guy.
ME: I'm not trying to piss you off. and I'm not trying to play any mind games either. I'm justt trying to say that you can talk all you want, but in the end it's your actions that count.
In my defense.
SHE: Arkay I gotta go
SHE: sorry gotta lot to do when sis gets back which should be most any minute
When all else fails, run away.
ME: ok.
ME: talk to you later
SHE: ok, take care and we will talk soon. I love you.
But leave the door open for a pitty party some other day.

Oh, and by the way, once the chat ended it suddenly dawned on me. SHE'S PROBABLY YANKING MY CHAIN!

More Stupid Gibber-Jabber

Ok, here's our conversation the very next day...

Remember how she ended the day before all but apologizing for spending the entire time talking about herself? Now note the dramatic shift in focus to me. HAHAHA. I'm being facetious. She didn't ask once. In fact, although he first couple lines have been lost, trust me, she didn't even say "hi, how are you" when she signed on.

Here it is, along with a couple comments.

SHE: no
ME: what are you going to do today?
SHE: I just dont know, Im going thru something and its making me crazy
SHE: it really bothers me that anything could make me feel this bad
Just in case you don't know, which you don't, a married man with a six year old daughter decided not to leave his wife and move in with her because he overheard a message on her answering machine from another guy she's been fucking.
ME: what are you doing about it?
SHE: I dont know what to do about it, Ive tryed staying busy, dont help
SHE: Ive already washed everything in my yard this morning and my car
SHE: Im feeling desperate and thats not at all good
ME: desperate for what?
SHE: I dont know, to stop the hurt and emptyness Im feeling
SHE: I feel like Ive been gutted and there is a big hole in me
SHE: I try not to cry but I do alot, my tummy is in knots and hurts, Im restless, I actually physically hurt
ME: You obviously have a lot invested in this relationship emotionally
SHE: a very lot
SHE: I dont give my love easily
hahahahaha. Sorry. Actually she's right. In the two years that I've known her she's only given it to maybe A DOZEN OR SO guys.
ME: How long have you and he been together?
SHE: 11 months
SHE: I realize that isn't that long but it feels like much longer
ME: Yeah, I'm sure it does.
SHE: I dont like hurting like this
ME: not much you can do about it
SHE: I know
SHE: I guess Ill be somewhat distracted when I get back to work but soon I will be home alone for 2 months, I remember last time I was idle for so long and its scary
SHE: you must be busy so Im stepping out to smoke, be back in a few
ME: see ya when you get back
SHE: thanks
SHE: back
ME: me too
SHE: do you know I have even contemplated going back to Georgia, and welcome back
ME: what would be different in Georgia?
SHE: I know this is something within me and will be with me no matter where I am but Im so tired of being alone
ME: and you would't be alone in Georgia?
SHE: no
SHE: here I am totally on my own and I have never liked that
except, of course, for her sister, her nephew, her grandnephew... She never does say who or what is in Georgia for her.
SHE: actually I have never liked it here in Arizona and I have tried very hard to like it
SHE: or at very least to make it work
SHE: I feel like I dont belong anywhere anymore
wallow, wallow, wallow
ME: why is that?
SHE: I really dont know
SHE: Im not an easy person to know, even to myself
No comment, except to say that I think I know her pretty well.
ME: so where does all that leave you?
SHE: very confused
SHE: I dont need easy, I need workable
SHE: like most people, I need hope, a purpose, security and love
SHE: sis just got home with her son and grandson
SHE: guess I will go home now, I dont much feel like being around people and I know I will have to be later
ME: talk to ya later
SHE: have a great day
ME: you too
SHE: thanks

Anyway, yesterday I tried to explain why I bother. Let me add this to what I said before. One of my guilty pleasures is advice. I love reading advice columns and listening to advise shows. This is very much an extension of that.

I'll be sure to post some of the chain yanking I mentioned.

Conversations with a Stupid Bitch

I've been chatting with her for close to a year now. Met her in a Yahoo user created FamFun chat room. Did you know Yahoo doesn't allow user created rooms any more? Long story, but yeah, they don't.

Anyway talking to her is always fascinating. It's like a roller coaster ride. Twists and turns and loop-the-loops, only to wind up back where we started. Her conversations are an endless string of contradictions. For example...

She describes herself as a loving, giving, caring person. Always thinking of others. Trusting to a fault. Yet, she ALWAYS talks about herself. NEVER EVER asks what's up with me or how I'm doing.

She (claims to) trust in God and pray for his guidance. Yet she sleeps with married men, fully intending that they leave their wives and children to take up with her.

She had a man fly half way around the world to move in with her after meeting him online and knowing him for only a week. Insisted that she prayed and God sent him in answer to her prayers.

One of my favorites, which is a recurring theme of hers, occurs in the conversation below. It may not be as evident here as it has in past conversations but see if you can pick up on this...

In one part of the conversation she's portraying herself as strong and determined. She fights the good fight and always comes out on top. In this case she says if her relationship is over, well then she'll just move on.

Yet, a dozen lines earlier she describes herself as being physically and violently ill over an incident with her bf--a guy she's know for only a few months and whoIn bed for two days, vomiting. Over a guy she's only known for a few months. Not really the reaction you'd expect from some one who controls their own destiny.

After some preliminary "hellos," "long time no sees" and her relating her uneventful trip to Denver and an incident with her bf J (he "innocently" overheard a message on her answering machine from another guy she's been fucking and decided to to move in with her.)

ME: last time we talked you were ending your internet activity. you change your mind?
SHE: not at all, every occasionally I get on sises, but its a very rare thing when I do
MD: is that where you are now? On her computer?
SHE: yes, I gave all my computer stuff away including both of my computers
SHE: I had a computer addiction which thankfully I realized and J didn't like me being on the computer either
ME: Well, I'm glad you decided to check in. I missed ya
SHE: Ive missed you too
SHE: Ive been pretty upset since I returned home spent the last 2 days in bed, and today just thought I would do something different and maybe talk to some old friends
ME: in bed cuz you were upset, or were you not feeling well?
SHE: this whole thing has made me physically and emotionally ill, crying, throwing up, etc
ME: that's not good
SHE: no it isnt, but I got out of bed early this morning, got my shower, done my grocery shopping, etc
ME: and you're feeling better?
SHE: well yes and no, I wont lie around being sick, I cant
SHE: Im actually hoping J will stop by this afternoon so we can talk
ME: when do you go back to work?
SHE: Im off Tuesdays and Wednesdays so will go back on Thursday, I have called off the last 3 days
ME: because of this incident with J?
SHE: yes, I have been in really bad shape
SHE: J doesnt know that tho
ME: will you tell him?
SHE: I dont kn ow if I will or not
SHE: nothing to be gained by telling him
SHE: Im not the type to use that
SHE: Im stepping out to smoke will be back in a few
ME: ok
ME: back
ME: J knows Im upset and want to talk, now its up to him
ME: so you're waiting for him to call or come over?
SHE: yes
SHE: he said he would
SHE: if he does hopefully we can straighten this out, if he doesnt then Ill move on
SHE: if he can give up on us that easily then I would have to question his motives
ME: i understand what you mean
SHE: thanks
SHE: Ive had many battles the last 5 years, some nearly destroyed me but I survived and I will continue to do so
SHE: Ive prayed about this and many other things and I believe with all my heart that God has his plan and timeline for my life
ME: You just have to trust in Him!
SHE: he is the only one I trust with all my heart
SHE: I just have a bit of a patience problem is all
ME: i think that's an understatement.
SHE: very true
SHE: its always been my nature to make things happen now
SHE: thats why I always excelled in my professional life
SHE: are you on my other yahoo id?
ME: what's your other one?
SHE: r54a
ME: Yeah, I got that one on my list.
SHE: let me change ids and if you are not on it im me in a couple of minutes, ok?
ME: ok

Then under her other screenname...

ME: peek-a-boo
SHE: (smiley face)
SHE: I thought I had you on this id
ME: You did at one time. Maybe you deleted me.
SHE: I dont know what happened, I would never purposefully delete you
SHE: got ya now tho
ME: (tongue sticky-outty)
SHE: (big grin)
SHE: Im rarely on anymore unless sis needs me to do something for her on here, Im on today because I wanted to be distracted
ME: and yet, rather than distract you we're talking about everything that's got you concerned in the first place
SHE: but its different sharing with a friend than being alone with it
SHE: we may not talk often but as far as Im concerned you are a very special friend of mine
ME: thank you.
SHE: always welcome, I never forget my real friends
SHE: I may not come accross as such but Im really very loyal
ME: why would you think you don't come across as that?
SHE: I dont know, I guess because I havent talked to anyone on here much lately
SHE: Ive actually been working on getting a life, I bowl on league now and I actually play bingo once a week usually
ME: Cool. meeting real people.
SHE: exactly
SHE: its something Ive always done before and I knew I needed it
SHE: Im slow coming around sometimes but I usually get there sooner or later
SHE: our brother is getting here tomorrow for 2 days
ME: are you looking forward to that?
SHE: very much so, we spent some time with him in Denver but not enough
SHE: and he is bringing the goodies we bought in Denver and didnt have roo to bring back, lol
SHE: room
ME: cool.
SHE: Denver was kind of stressful
SHE: I dont imagine Ill be going back anytime soon
ME: why stressful?
SHE: our other sis tries to keep the pot stirred, I pretty much ignore her and she makes a big deal of that also, drama is her middle name
ME: some people are like that.
SHE: yes they are and best to be avoided
SHE: blood is only so thick
ME: so true
SHE: being things like they were I left home when the other kids were very young so the bonding never really happened
ME: that's a shame
SHE: its sad it happened that way but it did
SHE: I need to be getting home pretty soon I guess, sis wants to go shopping but I dont really care to go
ME: ok
SHE: its been great seeing you again, even if we only did talk about me
ME: lol
SHE: you take care and I know we will talk again sometime, maybe when Im out for surgery Ill have alot of time on my hands for a month or so most likely
ME: ok.
ME: take care
SHE: you know I Love you
ME: (smile face)
SHE: (big hug thingy)

interesting, huh? I especially like the "we'll talk about you next time even though I have now idea when that will be, if at all" comment. Ok, I know you're asking "so why do you talk to her?" Because early on, i actually thought I might be able to offer some good advice. Now, I like yanking her chain. I like looking at train wrecks. Because it's fun.

HNT Six

HNT SIX, People!

Enjoy the masturbation...

or celebration...

or whatever!

I'm just and average guy.

I'm just an average guy.
I'm just an average guy.
I'm just an average guy.
I'm just an average guy.
I'm just an average guy.
I'm just an average guy.
I'm just an average guy.
I'm just an average guy.
I'm just an average guy.
I'm just an average guy.