One more time

This might be the last chat of this sort that I post. I feel kind of bad doing it. I also realize that doing it doesn't really show me in my best light either. But then there's that comment to the left. You see it. The one that says "People describe me as a real nice guy..." Yeah, that's the one. "Fuck that shit."

So, we'll see.

Remember, first of all, that we talked twice last week. Once on Monday, once on Tuesday. Monday's chat was the first we'd had in several months, and we spent the intire time talking about her. Actually SHE spent the entire time. I basically fed her prompts and plesantries. On Tuesday we talked about her some more.

Now a week later here's what we have, with interspersed commentary.

SHE: good morning
ME: Good morning!
SHE: hope your Monday is off to a good start
ME: so far it's been a good monday--following a great weekend.
The first thing I do is give her a good opening to talk about anything other than her today.
SHE: good to hear
The hook is baited. Does she bite?
ME: any day with an orgasm is a good day
Let's wiggle it a little.
SHE: Ive decided to stay with my sis for a couple of days
SWING! ...And a miss.
ME: have you really? why is that?
SHE: I woke up this morning and decided alone is not where I need to be right now
ME: still in a funk over this, huh?
SHE: not over J but my body took a hell of a beating and Im very weak
SHE: I just was told yesterday that when the paramedics came Tuesday my blood sugar was nearly 5oo
Huh!?
ME: you didn't tell me about the paramedics.
SHE: I took about 300 tylenol pm 500 mgs each on Tuesday about 1 pm, my sis came home and found me about 6 pm
Did I read right? Did she just say she tried to commit suicide?
SHE: I did not become aware of anythin until about 6 pm wednesday
ME: 300 tylenol pm?
SHE: yes
ME: why?
SHE: I just totally broke down
ME: you did it on purpose?
SHE: yes I took the tylenol on purpowse
ME: 300 tablets
SHE: yes
OK, just wanted to get that straight.
SHE: put my blood sugar and liver enzymes right thru the roof
ME: no doubt
Well, some doubt. I have no idea what that much tylenol would do.
ME: how long were you in the hospital?
SHE: 5 days in icu and ccu, got out saturday evening
ME: psychological evaluation?
SHE: yes they did that wed evening
SHE: I was honest and he signed off on me
ME: so you're not going to do it again?
At this point I'm thinking she's a goddamned liar. Or maybe a fucking liar. Or maybe a little of both. Nothing concrete. I just don't get the sense that any of this is legit.
SHE: no I wont ever do that again
SHE: God spared me and so he expects something from me
SHE: normally Im a very strong person and I can take alot
She always comes back to this. "I'm really a strong person."
SHE: the part of life here that Ive never gotten used to is being alone
ME: how do you define alone? you have family there.
SHE: I have no mate or life partner
SHE: this is my first time in life living alone and I dont like it
ME: Maybe THAT's what God expects from you.
SHE: I dont think so
Right. God's will is what SHE says it is.
SHE: but I wont enter into a relationship except for love
Ok, now it's time for me to get serious. This is not chain-yanking. This is serious advice.
ME: Here's my take...
ME: you CANT have a healthy loving relationship with any one else until you have one with yourself.
SHE: I agree
ME: and as long as you continue to tell youreself that you can't be happy on your own, you'll neve rhave that.
SHE: its not that I cant be happy on my own Im just not happy on my own
The first defense to facing reality is to split hairs and deflect the issue.
ME: same thing
SHE: not really
SHE: its not living alone that bothers me so much, Ive come to terms with that long ago
SHE: my ex would love for us to get back together but I wont because I dont love him
ME: let me put it another way... right now you're living the live that God has given you and you're basically spitting on it. You're telling Him it's not enough. You need more.
SHE: I do need more
She's not buying the "you have to love yourself first argument," or two attempts at "God's will." Let's give it one more shot--"You choose your own destiny."
ME: you're telling me that you CAN be happy on your own, but that you're not...
ME: that means you choose not to be.
SHE: everything in life is not black and white, and everything in life is not always about our own choices
Split hairs. Deflect the issue.
SHE: sometimes other stuff gets involved, for instance other peoples choices which we have no control over
ME: you have more control than you think
SHE: control over myself yes
SHE: but then again if I was perfect I wouldnt need a savior
SHE: I always try to make the best out of what I have, be happy with what I have and reach to acomplish more
Oh yes, that's more than obvious in everything she says and does.
ME: control over how you react and respond to those things that you don't have control over
SHE: exactly
SHE: right now Im having a hard time making responsible choices
SHE: I have more than myself to think about, I have responsibilities to others as well
ME: who?
SHE: family
Long pause. I've got no response other than to doubt the voracity of what she says here. I should have just asked what responsibilities.
SHE: do you think I would be living where I am if I on ly thought of myself?
Even longer pause. I'm really trying to think how best to respond to this one.
SHE: no doubt Im more than my share of screwed up b ut I dont allow myself to hurt others because of it
ME: You think what you did the other day didn't hurt any one else?
Blam! Both barrels
SHE: it did yes, but thats over
Ok, let's ignore the glaring disparity between actions and words here by adding the simple word "but."
SHE: have you ever felt totally out of place like there is nowhere on this earth that you belong?
...and play the poor me trump card.
ME: kind of changes what you just said thought, doesn't it?
But I'm not letting her get away with it.
SHE: Im not here to play mind games and I dont want them played on me either
SHE: I dont care to be pissed off today
So, suddenly, I'm the bad guy.
ME: I'm not trying to piss you off. and I'm not trying to play any mind games either. I'm justt trying to say that you can talk all you want, but in the end it's your actions that count.
In my defense.
SHE: Arkay I gotta go
SHE: sorry gotta lot to do when sis gets back which should be most any minute
When all else fails, run away.
ME: ok.
ME: talk to you later
SHE: ok, take care and we will talk soon. I love you.
But leave the door open for a pitty party some other day.

Oh, and by the way, once the chat ended it suddenly dawned on me. SHE'S PROBABLY YANKING MY CHAIN!